For Mama

Her eyes can't stop roam around the room,
I call her name hoping that she'll stare at me soon.
I hold her hand pressing it hard to make her feel,
That i'm always here by her side and  will never leave.

Waiting outside the ICU, praying that nothing bad will happen to you,
I'm sorry that i can't stop crying and thank you for still trying,
Missing the way you say my name,
You're now unable to speak now but stays the same.

I'm glad that you made it throughout the day and
continue to stay strong with whatever comes in your way.
Stayed there for 3 days unable to see you every time,
2 hours a day isn't enough, i just wanna stay with you all the time.

But one day we decided to be with you when the time will come,
We were all in the same room, pleased and calm.
That's when you decided to leave us be,
Maybe you just wanted us to see happy.

You were so strong and thank you for fighting even if it's hard.
You will always be here forever in my heart.
I LOVE YOU MA you're in a better place now,
regards to papa, i will both make you proud.


~ living without you is the hardest part of my day, remembering the happy moments we spend together is the only thing that is keeping me strong. I've been crying a lot and i know you are now scolding me at heaven, but sorry i can't help it i miss you so much and it breaks me every time to think that you're not with me/with us anymore. I'm staying strong as possible like i promise. Thank you for everything, i'm sorry for the times that i disrespected you. God knows how much i love you and i'm happy that you're with him now, along with papa. This isn't goodbye, will see you soon ♥

When I can't think straight, I write.

Funny how people (me specifically) can be inspired by a movie, better yet an animation. It’s always good to unable to predict a movie by its trailer and/or title, you’ll never know what will make you laugh, cry or will make you remember how to love life once again. “I won’t give up, no I won’t give in, if I make mistake, I will just try again” a simple line from a very wonderful song. Watching ZOOTOPIA had me realize that life is beautiful no matter what and will stay beautiful until the end. Humanity isn’t dead yet, I can assure you that, but then again every time I see a post from another depressed person on whisper I doubt life once again. “life has up’s and down” and I’m currently in the middle and staying strong as possible.

Here’s my down part:

I’m looking at the person whom I love the most, slowly dying in front of me and trying to make her laugh gives me ten times of pain even more. I don’t want to think about it, but the thought of losing her (leaving me) will be the worst part of my life and will give me the sadness no one can ever take. I never want her to see me cry, but I guess I’m just so selfish that I once cried in front of her while begging for her to hold on. I always show my strong-feeling independent face but deep inside I don’t know how to live without her by my side. “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” she told me, it sucks that I’m the only one she ever tells me these stuff, is it because she thinks I’m strong? NO I’m not, but nevertheless I still listen to her words. I CAN’T, I just CAN’T and I DON’T WANT TO. But who am I to dictate? Everything is happening like it was before, I was young back then, I struggle to remember what happened but the feeling stayed. Papa; he was there for me for 14 long years. I still remember his face, his smile and vividly how he died. I was there, I was the only one there, fortune and unfortunately I was with him when he left this world. December 09, 2009; he asked for me to stay “wag ka na muna pumasok” at least that’s how I remembered him say it and so I stayed. I was doing something, I don’t remember what, mama when outside to check on something. I remembered talking to him and then just like that he smiled, closed his eyes and it was over. I was in the state of shock so I just screamed “MAAA!” and she ran towards the room crying. We were crying. I was mad and almost threw the cross in the room, “PA, gising ka na, wag mo kami iwan” I heard mama say it. I can’t believe I can ever feel devastated and sad at the same time. All the nurse came running to our room, I went outside and continued crying, I overheard the doctor/nurse say it; time of death __. I went inside and see mama crying, papa was already covered with cloth and I just stood there. “wala na siya gem, wala na si papa” said mama while hugging me. “sasabihin ko kay mommy” then I ran outside the room without looking back. I went to the closest balcony of our room and dialed mom’s number, she’s was travelling that day from manila to visit papa, I told myself ~konting oras nalang eh, pa, konting oras manlang sana binigay mo para kahit papano naabutan ka ni mommy, bakit ako pa, bakit magisa ko? Hinding hindi ko ito makakalimutan at it will hunt me forever~. Mom answered the phone “san ka na?”, “dito na ako sa tuguegarao bakit?”, It killed me to tell her the worst news I ever told in my entire life. I can’t help but to cry and just by that she already knew what had happened. She was crying and that killed me even more, everyone was crying, I wanted to end my life that time because I was hurt that I just want that hurt to end, I look down as I am in the second floor of the building. I was stupid enough to think that I will die just by jumping but good thing I didn’t, because I remembered something stopped me. After a few hours I stopped crying, mama stopped crying, we were in one room with papa then mom arrived. Everything was even sadder again. That was the worst day and worst year of my life. I don’t even have a slightest idea how tito ge is feeling, he wasn’t able to make it to papa’s funeral because he was in a ship and unable to go back home not until he finishes his contract. Again, that was the worst part of my life but now, seeing mama like this is even worse than worst.

Middle part:

(6/14/16 5pm) “I’m strong, gem you are so strong” I said to myself while looking at the mirror crying. Today mama said “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” and I told that to tito hours after, he cried. Papa’s case was different because we didn’t know what’s coming, though no one can ever see this things coming, but in mama’s case we know, we know that her life in the line and that line is about to end anytime soon. I shouldn’t compare but this is worse than what happened to papa. Being strong is what’s left for me to do and that’s why I only cried inside the bathroom and through the phone with mom. I’m smiling every time I talk to her and I will keep on smiling even though all I want is to cry. I feel like I’m about to break down but grandma is the only one who’s currently making me strong, stronger.

Up part:

Everything will be alright. I keep on telling myself, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. In 10days I’ll be graduating college and I know grandma will still be here to see me in my toga, we will take pictures and be happy. That’s all I want right now, even if there’s no celebration, even if there’s no gifts, I just want us to be complete, and it will. I’ve been crying the whole day, writing is all I can do to let these feelings out. Mama is staring at me while I type, maybe she’s wondering what I’m doing, I constantly stop and check on her. She’s getting annoyed already because today I just can’t stop talking to her, I just smiled and said “ay sus makinig ka nalang”

And there goes my day….

S.Q.U.A.D.

They say friends will never leave you by your side,
Comfort you when you’re down and make you smile.
But what if one day they decided to leave,
Got tired of you and forget the whole thing.
It’s much more hurtful than a man, who broke a woman’s heart,
Sadder than a tragic movie and depressing as the funeral.

Pictures that was treasured will be deleted and be thrown,
Memories fading and stories are stopped being told.
Smiles are gone, my mind is disturbed
The tears are falling, feeling broken and hurt.
Never felt so alone, I’m missing my friend
The one by my side that helps till the end,

But those are just what ifs; I know this friendship will stay
Forever is not enough to explain what we’ve made.
Holding on with each other a problem can tear us apart,
Gonna keep it together, this journey is endless and every day is the best part.

 

~ wrote this poem the day na Eloise and Carlota leaved our group chat and stop talking to us. Ang sakit lang sa pakiramdam na bigla nalang sila umalis, not knowing the whole reason tapos di pa kami kausapin about it. Mas masakit pa mawalan ng friend amongst others kaya lahat kami na Boracay girls umiyak dahil dun, maybe they are jealous sa mga pinag popost namin sa Facebook na ‘squad goals’, I know naman na masakit din na ipakita na masaya kami even tho di kami complete pero the sole purpose of me posting those pictures are to make sure na ‘OKAY kami’ and that we don’t even need the approval of our department head about not choosing the hotel that he suggested, pero of course di naman lahat ng tao ganun mag isip so inintindi ko nalang sila, but that time is was so pissed na sinabi kong “so anong susunod, I unfriend mo din kami sa Facebook?!”, I was mad and sometimes (mostly even) I don’t even know what I’m saying if I’m mad. I don’t mean what I said pero I just needed to say those words, luckily nagakayos na din kami and it’s like nothing ever happened. I also told the 2 about my Boracay experience and sa wakas may nakaintindi din sakin, sinabi ko naman na kila Erna, Mariz, Karen and Rochelle about what happened pero sila Carlota (which has a baby na) and Eloise (which has a horny boyfriend) lang ang talagang makakaintindi sakin ng lubusan and it gave me so much relief nung sinabi ko na yun. I’m lucky I have them, they are the best, I will always treasure them at never will I question their friendship between me ever again.

3/30/16