For the time being.

Tired, hurt, lost and depressed.

Preventing myself from being happy even for a minute,

Setting my emotions aside is a bad decision,

Yet i continue to feel less and no one is stopping me from making a commotion.

Consumed by love and it's all coming tragic

Solitary life and my hand stays gripped.

My eyes are open but unable to see.

Been through a lot, I'm still missing and that i can never descry,

Effects are made, but i don't think it's worth it,

Nothing feels okay, everything is turning.

Alone in the light, my eyes can't hardly focus.

Hugging my pillow in my bed feeling hopeless.

I fear the day that when i wake up and don't give a fuck about anything,

and lately I've been sensing i no longer care with all the shit I'm in.

I'm so mad i can't even think straight,

Every goddamn time is wasted.

I wanna look in the mirror and punch myself,

and just feeling my blood dripping through my knuckles.

Curiosity kicks in again i'm screwed,

Can't help myself, i'm easy to pursed,

Tolerating this life i don't care if i'm ruined,

Committing a sin and not sorry for doing this.

~ i always don't know what i'm doing but this time i choose to do what is wrong and just be done with it. i'm so mad at myself but all i can do is to cry. I don't want to ruin my life but i just want to let this stress out of my system. Mama is gone and i'm out here wasting my life drinking and all this bad habits, i know she'll be so mad at me, i just wish i'd be able to hear her scream my name at least. i hate what's happening with me, i killed the old me and i'm regretting everything that I've done lately. i feel so lost and i hope someday someone would find me cause if no one did, i'll be stuck being lost forever.

When I can't think straight, I write.

Funny how people (me specifically) can be inspired by a movie, better yet an animation. It’s always good to unable to predict a movie by its trailer and/or title, you’ll never know what will make you laugh, cry or will make you remember how to love life once again. “I won’t give up, no I won’t give in, if I make mistake, I will just try again” a simple line from a very wonderful song. Watching ZOOTOPIA had me realize that life is beautiful no matter what and will stay beautiful until the end. Humanity isn’t dead yet, I can assure you that, but then again every time I see a post from another depressed person on whisper I doubt life once again. “life has up’s and down” and I’m currently in the middle and staying strong as possible.

Here’s my down part:

I’m looking at the person whom I love the most, slowly dying in front of me and trying to make her laugh gives me ten times of pain even more. I don’t want to think about it, but the thought of losing her (leaving me) will be the worst part of my life and will give me the sadness no one can ever take. I never want her to see me cry, but I guess I’m just so selfish that I once cried in front of her while begging for her to hold on. I always show my strong-feeling independent face but deep inside I don’t know how to live without her by my side. “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” she told me, it sucks that I’m the only one she ever tells me these stuff, is it because she thinks I’m strong? NO I’m not, but nevertheless I still listen to her words. I CAN’T, I just CAN’T and I DON’T WANT TO. But who am I to dictate? Everything is happening like it was before, I was young back then, I struggle to remember what happened but the feeling stayed. Papa; he was there for me for 14 long years. I still remember his face, his smile and vividly how he died. I was there, I was the only one there, fortune and unfortunately I was with him when he left this world. December 09, 2009; he asked for me to stay “wag ka na muna pumasok” at least that’s how I remembered him say it and so I stayed. I was doing something, I don’t remember what, mama when outside to check on something. I remembered talking to him and then just like that he smiled, closed his eyes and it was over. I was in the state of shock so I just screamed “MAAA!” and she ran towards the room crying. We were crying. I was mad and almost threw the cross in the room, “PA, gising ka na, wag mo kami iwan” I heard mama say it. I can’t believe I can ever feel devastated and sad at the same time. All the nurse came running to our room, I went outside and continued crying, I overheard the doctor/nurse say it; time of death __. I went inside and see mama crying, papa was already covered with cloth and I just stood there. “wala na siya gem, wala na si papa” said mama while hugging me. “sasabihin ko kay mommy” then I ran outside the room without looking back. I went to the closest balcony of our room and dialed mom’s number, she’s was travelling that day from manila to visit papa, I told myself ~konting oras nalang eh, pa, konting oras manlang sana binigay mo para kahit papano naabutan ka ni mommy, bakit ako pa, bakit magisa ko? Hinding hindi ko ito makakalimutan at it will hunt me forever~. Mom answered the phone “san ka na?”, “dito na ako sa tuguegarao bakit?”, It killed me to tell her the worst news I ever told in my entire life. I can’t help but to cry and just by that she already knew what had happened. She was crying and that killed me even more, everyone was crying, I wanted to end my life that time because I was hurt that I just want that hurt to end, I look down as I am in the second floor of the building. I was stupid enough to think that I will die just by jumping but good thing I didn’t, because I remembered something stopped me. After a few hours I stopped crying, mama stopped crying, we were in one room with papa then mom arrived. Everything was even sadder again. That was the worst day and worst year of my life. I don’t even have a slightest idea how tito ge is feeling, he wasn’t able to make it to papa’s funeral because he was in a ship and unable to go back home not until he finishes his contract. Again, that was the worst part of my life but now, seeing mama like this is even worse than worst.

Middle part:

(6/14/16 5pm) “I’m strong, gem you are so strong” I said to myself while looking at the mirror crying. Today mama said “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” and I told that to tito hours after, he cried. Papa’s case was different because we didn’t know what’s coming, though no one can ever see this things coming, but in mama’s case we know, we know that her life in the line and that line is about to end anytime soon. I shouldn’t compare but this is worse than what happened to papa. Being strong is what’s left for me to do and that’s why I only cried inside the bathroom and through the phone with mom. I’m smiling every time I talk to her and I will keep on smiling even though all I want is to cry. I feel like I’m about to break down but grandma is the only one who’s currently making me strong, stronger.

Up part:

Everything will be alright. I keep on telling myself, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. In 10days I’ll be graduating college and I know grandma will still be here to see me in my toga, we will take pictures and be happy. That’s all I want right now, even if there’s no celebration, even if there’s no gifts, I just want us to be complete, and it will. I’ve been crying the whole day, writing is all I can do to let these feelings out. Mama is staring at me while I type, maybe she’s wondering what I’m doing, I constantly stop and check on her. She’s getting annoyed already because today I just can’t stop talking to her, I just smiled and said “ay sus makinig ka nalang”

And there goes my day….

Insomnia ???

I'm really tired but I just can't sleep,
closing my eyes listening to my heart beat,
crickets are loud covering my ears,
my feet are getting cold so I look for my sheets.

The room is so dark wondering if the sun has already rise,
but I look at the clock (4am) and say its too early to go outside,
everyone's at rest dreaming about things,
while I lay in my bed staring at nothing.

Hugging my pillow thinking of you,
then I toss it at the corner because it makes me more blue,
counting the memories we had in my mind,
remembering the best ones and I keep those inside.

Pondering about if it's worth to live,
then I remember that my family is over here.
I'm about to let go and cry again,
but too weak to even do it so I'll just stay awake instead.

Turning around finding my spot,
feels like space is too small throwing it all out,
constantly lookin' at my phone checking the time,
after hours of idling at last I rested my eyes.


*But I don't think that this is what they call insomnia (cause I have this friend who has one and he literally didn't slept for days, I on the other hand slept at 6am that day). I just thought that writing this poem will make my 'insomnia night' more productive. I know someone out there experiences worse problems than I do, but I just don't know 'how' to handle having this things. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to even late at night (yeah damn it, I was also thinking of him). But in the end I was able to sleep soo, everything is still 'alright'.

h.a.p.p.y.

Taking a big step in life,
experiencing how it is to survive,
meeting new people along the way,
looking forward in doing this everyday.

Have you ever imagine what it would be like?
"The Future" sounds terrifying but we'll be alright,
seize the day, keep the faith,
hold your head up high, stand up straight.

Time to face tomorrow's adventure,
through it'll be hard with all this stress and pressure,
surround yourself with happiness,
life is beautiful so smile with confidence.

Spread the joy, laugh out loud,
the sound of it takes away a frown,
appreciate what you have,
guide others who are in need of help.

Travel a lot, explore the world,
discover new things, share what you've heard,
love what you're doing and you'll be okay,
be thankful for GOD and always pray.


*1 semester to go till I graduate. I'm excited and afraid at the same time, I already imagine a lot of things that might happen, but one can never be sure of the future. My perspective in life is very clear and certain. I already plan my life for the next 5 years, some say that you will not enjoy your life if you always plan everything, in my defense I don't plan everything. I wrote this poem because I'm positive that my life after college would be AMAZING and let's not be too pessimistic about things, okay :)

PECULIARITIES

So a new world arises here we attain freedom,
never have to choose from anything sadness is optional,
the sun is your friend along with the beach,
take away all your worries, feel the sand on your feet.

Slide across the rainbow tumble down and smile,
imagine every state is a poodle, hop around a while,
dance with the clouds while the star sing along,
meet different kinds of people and you'll feel belong.

Feeling the wind in my face,
wanna fly like a ninja to an unknown place,
will walk over the water, spreading arms for the rain,
jumping through the mountains, forgetting all of my pain.

Take some risk for today,
grab every opportunity that comes in your way,
create possibilities, live out your life,
color your weakness with a bright light.

Explore the wonders of the universe,
listen to it's sound, understand those little creatures,
howl with the wolf, roar like a bear,
don't let anyone judge you, never be scared.

Follow your instincts, mind your heart,
let your feet lead the way, just walk the path,
at the end of the road you'll feel relief,
that you take that journey without any guilt.


*There are so many things in this world that even the most intelligent man couldn't even answer, which makes life so wonderful. Nobody's perfect and indeed there ain't. I'm this girl that 'sometimes' feels sad (which is normal because we do have feelings) and most of the times 'happy' and when I do, I just can't stop appreciating every-single-bit-of -things around me and with that I share my happiness through my friends and my every loving grandmother. Let us not neglect ourselves for being happy even if there's no reason, just SMILE that's the best gift you can ever give to yourself.

for Ninja.

One coffee can’t suffice you for a day,

Books distract you even miles away,

You sing at the radio and dance to its beat,

Make fun with the people we see on the street.

 Sadness is obscure, your joy is always flashed,

Fond of finding something that’ll make you laugh,

My hand is your safe place so you prefer to hold on,

Hug me real tight never leave me alone.

It’s hard to concentrate at something when you’re at my side,

I’d rather look at you and listen as you tell stories of your life,

You love stars as much as I do,

And that makes me like you more than I use to.

I plan everything just to make things perfect,

But you always like getting me distracted,

You only live once so you make the most of life,

“Carpe Diem, Come what may” you always say those cheesy lines.

We may not be compatible 100%,

But in the end “there’s always a possibility”

 as do everything that may happen in this bizarre planet.

*You're very special to me, I just hope that you know that. You brought happiness to my already-happy-life, sometimes I think that 'why am I this lucky' but I just ended up smiling and say 'nah, why do you even ask those things to yourself'. You make me feel those butterflies in my tummy, laugh by just looking at your confused face and just smile. Thank you for coming to my life.

NO: I'm not fine

I prefer to shut up even if all I wanted is to shout,

Sometimes things are better not to let it out,

I'm hurt but I yearn for everyone to see me happy,

It’s cliché to say but yes inside I'm dying.

Hoping is overrated; also love and forever,

Though it’s not too bad to expect for things to get better,

Memories are supposed to be kept and cherish,

But its hard if all those times will bring back the ache just by reminiscing.

Anger and sadness are often satisfying,

But I promise myself this will all me momentarily,

Things are bound to happen mostly good and occasionally bad,

Yet that makes life an adventure you never know what will make you WRECKED </3

Everything makes me remember the things we use to do,

But I'm still in the stage of not ready to lose the little things that reminds me of you,

Friendship was never a solution for this problem and I'm not sure there even is,

I just want to forget for a second this pain I feel.

Thinking that of all the people why do you have to choose me,

I'm a happy-go-lucky person but you make me question MY IDENTITY

Trying to understand,

trying to accept

Failing to comprehend,

feeling depressed.

Maybe 3 weeks isn’t enough, to call this something to fight for,

But my 3 days with you is one of the best memories that I want to go through.

I except too much in return I got hurt so badly,

Hard to make things as the way I planned at the beginning.

Playing sad songs that now I can relate too perfectly,

Crying through my pillow to prevent people from listening.

Photos reminds me how happy we used to be

Now I'm looking at it asking what’s wrong with me,

You made me strong, happy, blessed and lucky

At the same time down, broken, weak, and gloomy.

Things are over but for me still it’s not,

Waiting for you to text me hoping you’ll be back,

Your silence is killing me torturing me inside,

I want to know if you still think about me and remember that you once call me “MINE”

But after those it’ll all be in the past,

A bad memory that’ll make me laugh,

I'm just really thankful that I have my friends,

That help me get through this hell of a weekend.

*Wrote this poem for you, I hope that someday you'd be able to read this. Sorry for not telling you what I really feel, It's just hard for me to conceptualize the words to say 'that night' when we we're talking about us. My only regret was not able to say 'I love you', it seems too early to say it, but that's what I feel (or felt). Hope this won't ruin our friendship (nevertheless turn this friendship into something more *again). You've changed my life, don't worry cause it's a good thing. I still don't want this to end (or do I, IDK), I want to talk to you again, and this time I will promise you that I will tell you everything now. Please come back and talk things out...