Funny how people (me specifically) can be inspired by a
movie, better yet an animation. It’s always good to unable to predict a movie
by its trailer and/or title, you’ll never know what will make you laugh, cry or
will make you remember how to love life once again. “I won’t give up, no I
won’t give in, if I make mistake, I will just try again” a simple line from a
very wonderful song. Watching ZOOTOPIA had me realize that life is beautiful no
matter what and will stay beautiful until the end. Humanity isn’t dead yet, I
can assure you that, but then again every time I see a post from another
depressed person on whisper I doubt life once again. “life has up’s and down”
and I’m currently in the middle and staying strong as possible.
Here’s my
down part:
I’m looking
at the person whom I love the most, slowly dying in front of me and trying to
make her laugh gives me ten times of pain even more. I don’t want to think
about it, but the thought of losing her (leaving me) will be the worst part of
my life and will give me the sadness no one can ever take. I never want her to
see me cry, but I guess I’m just so selfish that I once cried in front of her
while begging for her to hold on. I always show my strong-feeling independent
face but deep inside I don’t know how to live without her by my side. “Minsan
parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo”
she told me, it sucks that I’m the only one she ever tells me these stuff, is
it because she thinks I’m strong? NO I’m not, but nevertheless I still listen
to her words. I CAN’T, I just CAN’T and I DON’T WANT TO. But who am I to
dictate? Everything is happening like it was before, I was young back then, I
struggle to remember what happened but the feeling stayed. Papa; he was there
for me for 14 long years. I still remember his face, his smile and vividly how
he died. I was there, I was the only one there, fortune and unfortunately I was
with him when he left this world. December 09, 2009; he asked for me to stay “wag
ka na muna pumasok” at least that’s how I remembered him say it and so I
stayed. I was doing something, I don’t remember what, mama when outside to
check on something. I remembered talking to him and then just like that he
smiled, closed his eyes and it was over. I was in the state of shock so I just
screamed “MAAA!” and she ran towards the room crying. We were crying. I was mad
and almost threw the cross in the room, “PA, gising ka na, wag mo kami iwan” I heard
mama say it. I can’t believe I can ever feel devastated and sad at the same
time. All the nurse came running to our room, I went outside and continued crying,
I overheard the doctor/nurse say it; time of death
__. I went inside and see mama crying, papa was already covered with cloth and
I just stood there. “wala na siya gem, wala na si papa” said mama while hugging
me. “sasabihin ko kay mommy” then I ran outside the room without looking back.
I went to the closest balcony of our room and dialed mom’s number, she’s was
travelling that day from manila to visit papa, I told myself ~konting oras
nalang eh, pa, konting oras manlang sana binigay mo para kahit papano naabutan
ka ni mommy, bakit ako pa, bakit magisa ko? Hinding hindi ko ito makakalimutan
at it will hunt me forever~. Mom answered the phone “san ka na?”, “dito na ako
sa tuguegarao bakit?”, It killed me to tell her the worst news I ever told in
my entire life. I can’t help but to cry and just by that she already knew what
had happened. She was crying and that killed me even more, everyone was crying,
I wanted to end my life that time because I was hurt that I just want that hurt
to end, I look down as I am in the second floor of the building. I was stupid enough
to think that I will die just by jumping but good thing I didn’t, because I
remembered something stopped me. After a few hours I stopped crying, mama
stopped crying, we were in one room with papa then mom arrived. Everything was
even sadder again. That was the worst day and worst year of my life. I don’t
even have a slightest idea how tito ge is feeling, he wasn’t able to make it to
papa’s funeral because he was in a ship and unable to go back home not until he
finishes his contract. Again, that was the worst part of my life but now,
seeing mama like this is even worse than worst.
Middle
part:
(6/14/16
5pm) “I’m strong, gem you are so strong” I said to myself while looking at the
mirror crying. Today mama said “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang
sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” and I told that to tito hours after,
he cried. Papa’s case was different because we didn’t know what’s coming,
though no one can ever see this things coming, but in mama’s case we know, we
know that her life in the line and that line is about to end anytime soon. I
shouldn’t compare but this is worse than what happened to papa. Being strong is
what’s left for me to do and that’s why I only cried inside the bathroom and
through the phone with mom. I’m smiling every time I talk to her and I will
keep on smiling even though all I want is to cry. I feel like I’m about to
break down but grandma is the only one who’s currently making me strong,
stronger.
Up part:
Everything
will be alright. I keep on telling myself, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. In
10days I’ll be graduating college and I know grandma will still be here to see
me in my toga, we will take pictures and be happy. That’s all I want right now,
even if there’s no celebration, even if there’s no gifts, I just want us to be
complete, and it will. I’ve been crying the whole day, writing is all I can do
to let these feelings out. Mama is staring at me while I type, maybe she’s
wondering what I’m doing, I constantly stop and check on her. She’s getting
annoyed already because today I just can’t stop talking to her, I just smiled
and said “ay sus makinig ka nalang”
And there
goes my day….
