For the time being.

Tired, hurt, lost and depressed.

Preventing myself from being happy even for a minute,

Setting my emotions aside is a bad decision,

Yet i continue to feel less and no one is stopping me from making a commotion.

Consumed by love and it's all coming tragic

Solitary life and my hand stays gripped.

My eyes are open but unable to see.

Been through a lot, I'm still missing and that i can never descry,

Effects are made, but i don't think it's worth it,

Nothing feels okay, everything is turning.

Alone in the light, my eyes can't hardly focus.

Hugging my pillow in my bed feeling hopeless.

I fear the day that when i wake up and don't give a fuck about anything,

and lately I've been sensing i no longer care with all the shit I'm in.

I'm so mad i can't even think straight,

Every goddamn time is wasted.

I wanna look in the mirror and punch myself,

and just feeling my blood dripping through my knuckles.

Curiosity kicks in again i'm screwed,

Can't help myself, i'm easy to pursed,

Tolerating this life i don't care if i'm ruined,

Committing a sin and not sorry for doing this.

~ i always don't know what i'm doing but this time i choose to do what is wrong and just be done with it. i'm so mad at myself but all i can do is to cry. I don't want to ruin my life but i just want to let this stress out of my system. Mama is gone and i'm out here wasting my life drinking and all this bad habits, i know she'll be so mad at me, i just wish i'd be able to hear her scream my name at least. i hate what's happening with me, i killed the old me and i'm regretting everything that I've done lately. i feel so lost and i hope someday someone would find me cause if no one did, i'll be stuck being lost forever.

For Mama

Her eyes can't stop roam around the room,
I call her name hoping that she'll stare at me soon.
I hold her hand pressing it hard to make her feel,
That i'm always here by her side and  will never leave.

Waiting outside the ICU, praying that nothing bad will happen to you,
I'm sorry that i can't stop crying and thank you for still trying,
Missing the way you say my name,
You're now unable to speak now but stays the same.

I'm glad that you made it throughout the day and
continue to stay strong with whatever comes in your way.
Stayed there for 3 days unable to see you every time,
2 hours a day isn't enough, i just wanna stay with you all the time.

But one day we decided to be with you when the time will come,
We were all in the same room, pleased and calm.
That's when you decided to leave us be,
Maybe you just wanted us to see happy.

You were so strong and thank you for fighting even if it's hard.
You will always be here forever in my heart.
I LOVE YOU MA you're in a better place now,
regards to papa, i will both make you proud.


~ living without you is the hardest part of my day, remembering the happy moments we spend together is the only thing that is keeping me strong. I've been crying a lot and i know you are now scolding me at heaven, but sorry i can't help it i miss you so much and it breaks me every time to think that you're not with me/with us anymore. I'm staying strong as possible like i promise. Thank you for everything, i'm sorry for the times that i disrespected you. God knows how much i love you and i'm happy that you're with him now, along with papa. This isn't goodbye, will see you soon ♥

Him again..

The bus stopped at your home town,

Wondering if you’re around.

I’m alone in a seat for two

And all I want is to see you.

Hoping that you decided to travel today,

Seat beside me and I’ll feel okay.

Cause I hate that I miss you so bad,

You make me feel like this again and it sucks real hard.

Seeing the streets that you grew up with,

Wanting to see more, shall I go down and cancel my trip?

This place is never familiar to me,

But just when I close my eyes and imagining you standing there I already feel happy.

Now the bus is leaving,

All the thoughts of seeing you is slowly fading.

Destiny has spoken, I’ll see you soon but maybe not in this place,

Never is a right time but I don’t care I just want to see your face.

There was never an us but I’d like the thought of it,

Rather pause reality and start daydreaming.

At least there I can say I love you everyday

And that you feel the same so I’d prefer not to stay awake.

You pull me closer to your arms,

Kiss my forehead and I feel warmed,

Nights are endless and it was calm,

Emotionally stable for a long time.

Nothing makes any sense,

I just need you by my side and feel your presence.

Simple things you do can turn my world upside down,

Your breath stables my heart every beat makes me not to frown.

-          ~Ugh, WHY. I suddenly miss that jerk, who’s so in love with himself, only do is to make girls fall for him then play around and eventually leaves, a guy that has good manners around my parents but still managed to hurt me behind their back, who gives sweet good morning and good night messages to god knows how many girls, a man that I once love even if he has that many flaws out in the open, the gentleman behind those smirks, and those bear hugs he made while we were staring at the stars late at night. Looking back at those memories, how we met the first time, the “kilig” moments, how he held my hand and hugs me, those heartbreaking news, the wasted epic drunk nights, those crying days, the acceptance and lastly the move on slash ready to meet another guys. I feel lucky to even be loved and to love by a guy like him, now he’s just a flash back and I’m glad things didn’t work out.

When I can't think straight, I write.

Funny how people (me specifically) can be inspired by a movie, better yet an animation. It’s always good to unable to predict a movie by its trailer and/or title, you’ll never know what will make you laugh, cry or will make you remember how to love life once again. “I won’t give up, no I won’t give in, if I make mistake, I will just try again” a simple line from a very wonderful song. Watching ZOOTOPIA had me realize that life is beautiful no matter what and will stay beautiful until the end. Humanity isn’t dead yet, I can assure you that, but then again every time I see a post from another depressed person on whisper I doubt life once again. “life has up’s and down” and I’m currently in the middle and staying strong as possible.

Here’s my down part:

I’m looking at the person whom I love the most, slowly dying in front of me and trying to make her laugh gives me ten times of pain even more. I don’t want to think about it, but the thought of losing her (leaving me) will be the worst part of my life and will give me the sadness no one can ever take. I never want her to see me cry, but I guess I’m just so selfish that I once cried in front of her while begging for her to hold on. I always show my strong-feeling independent face but deep inside I don’t know how to live without her by my side. “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” she told me, it sucks that I’m the only one she ever tells me these stuff, is it because she thinks I’m strong? NO I’m not, but nevertheless I still listen to her words. I CAN’T, I just CAN’T and I DON’T WANT TO. But who am I to dictate? Everything is happening like it was before, I was young back then, I struggle to remember what happened but the feeling stayed. Papa; he was there for me for 14 long years. I still remember his face, his smile and vividly how he died. I was there, I was the only one there, fortune and unfortunately I was with him when he left this world. December 09, 2009; he asked for me to stay “wag ka na muna pumasok” at least that’s how I remembered him say it and so I stayed. I was doing something, I don’t remember what, mama when outside to check on something. I remembered talking to him and then just like that he smiled, closed his eyes and it was over. I was in the state of shock so I just screamed “MAAA!” and she ran towards the room crying. We were crying. I was mad and almost threw the cross in the room, “PA, gising ka na, wag mo kami iwan” I heard mama say it. I can’t believe I can ever feel devastated and sad at the same time. All the nurse came running to our room, I went outside and continued crying, I overheard the doctor/nurse say it; time of death __. I went inside and see mama crying, papa was already covered with cloth and I just stood there. “wala na siya gem, wala na si papa” said mama while hugging me. “sasabihin ko kay mommy” then I ran outside the room without looking back. I went to the closest balcony of our room and dialed mom’s number, she’s was travelling that day from manila to visit papa, I told myself ~konting oras nalang eh, pa, konting oras manlang sana binigay mo para kahit papano naabutan ka ni mommy, bakit ako pa, bakit magisa ko? Hinding hindi ko ito makakalimutan at it will hunt me forever~. Mom answered the phone “san ka na?”, “dito na ako sa tuguegarao bakit?”, It killed me to tell her the worst news I ever told in my entire life. I can’t help but to cry and just by that she already knew what had happened. She was crying and that killed me even more, everyone was crying, I wanted to end my life that time because I was hurt that I just want that hurt to end, I look down as I am in the second floor of the building. I was stupid enough to think that I will die just by jumping but good thing I didn’t, because I remembered something stopped me. After a few hours I stopped crying, mama stopped crying, we were in one room with papa then mom arrived. Everything was even sadder again. That was the worst day and worst year of my life. I don’t even have a slightest idea how tito ge is feeling, he wasn’t able to make it to papa’s funeral because he was in a ship and unable to go back home not until he finishes his contract. Again, that was the worst part of my life but now, seeing mama like this is even worse than worst.

Middle part:

(6/14/16 5pm) “I’m strong, gem you are so strong” I said to myself while looking at the mirror crying. Today mama said “Minsan parang di ko na kaya, gusto ko nang sumuko, pero ang iniisip ko lang eh kayo” and I told that to tito hours after, he cried. Papa’s case was different because we didn’t know what’s coming, though no one can ever see this things coming, but in mama’s case we know, we know that her life in the line and that line is about to end anytime soon. I shouldn’t compare but this is worse than what happened to papa. Being strong is what’s left for me to do and that’s why I only cried inside the bathroom and through the phone with mom. I’m smiling every time I talk to her and I will keep on smiling even though all I want is to cry. I feel like I’m about to break down but grandma is the only one who’s currently making me strong, stronger.

Up part:

Everything will be alright. I keep on telling myself, EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT. In 10days I’ll be graduating college and I know grandma will still be here to see me in my toga, we will take pictures and be happy. That’s all I want right now, even if there’s no celebration, even if there’s no gifts, I just want us to be complete, and it will. I’ve been crying the whole day, writing is all I can do to let these feelings out. Mama is staring at me while I type, maybe she’s wondering what I’m doing, I constantly stop and check on her. She’s getting annoyed already because today I just can’t stop talking to her, I just smiled and said “ay sus makinig ka nalang”

And there goes my day….

Insomnia ???

I'm really tired but I just can't sleep,
closing my eyes listening to my heart beat,
crickets are loud covering my ears,
my feet are getting cold so I look for my sheets.

The room is so dark wondering if the sun has already rise,
but I look at the clock (4am) and say its too early to go outside,
everyone's at rest dreaming about things,
while I lay in my bed staring at nothing.

Hugging my pillow thinking of you,
then I toss it at the corner because it makes me more blue,
counting the memories we had in my mind,
remembering the best ones and I keep those inside.

Pondering about if it's worth to live,
then I remember that my family is over here.
I'm about to let go and cry again,
but too weak to even do it so I'll just stay awake instead.

Turning around finding my spot,
feels like space is too small throwing it all out,
constantly lookin' at my phone checking the time,
after hours of idling at last I rested my eyes.


*But I don't think that this is what they call insomnia (cause I have this friend who has one and he literally didn't slept for days, I on the other hand slept at 6am that day). I just thought that writing this poem will make my 'insomnia night' more productive. I know someone out there experiences worse problems than I do, but I just don't know 'how' to handle having this things. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to even late at night (yeah damn it, I was also thinking of him). But in the end I was able to sleep soo, everything is still 'alright'.

NO: I'm not fine

I prefer to shut up even if all I wanted is to shout,

Sometimes things are better not to let it out,

I'm hurt but I yearn for everyone to see me happy,

It’s cliché to say but yes inside I'm dying.

Hoping is overrated; also love and forever,

Though it’s not too bad to expect for things to get better,

Memories are supposed to be kept and cherish,

But its hard if all those times will bring back the ache just by reminiscing.

Anger and sadness are often satisfying,

But I promise myself this will all me momentarily,

Things are bound to happen mostly good and occasionally bad,

Yet that makes life an adventure you never know what will make you WRECKED </3

Everything makes me remember the things we use to do,

But I'm still in the stage of not ready to lose the little things that reminds me of you,

Friendship was never a solution for this problem and I'm not sure there even is,

I just want to forget for a second this pain I feel.

Thinking that of all the people why do you have to choose me,

I'm a happy-go-lucky person but you make me question MY IDENTITY

Trying to understand,

trying to accept

Failing to comprehend,

feeling depressed.

Maybe 3 weeks isn’t enough, to call this something to fight for,

But my 3 days with you is one of the best memories that I want to go through.

I except too much in return I got hurt so badly,

Hard to make things as the way I planned at the beginning.

Playing sad songs that now I can relate too perfectly,

Crying through my pillow to prevent people from listening.

Photos reminds me how happy we used to be

Now I'm looking at it asking what’s wrong with me,

You made me strong, happy, blessed and lucky

At the same time down, broken, weak, and gloomy.

Things are over but for me still it’s not,

Waiting for you to text me hoping you’ll be back,

Your silence is killing me torturing me inside,

I want to know if you still think about me and remember that you once call me “MINE”

But after those it’ll all be in the past,

A bad memory that’ll make me laugh,

I'm just really thankful that I have my friends,

That help me get through this hell of a weekend.

*Wrote this poem for you, I hope that someday you'd be able to read this. Sorry for not telling you what I really feel, It's just hard for me to conceptualize the words to say 'that night' when we we're talking about us. My only regret was not able to say 'I love you', it seems too early to say it, but that's what I feel (or felt). Hope this won't ruin our friendship (nevertheless turn this friendship into something more *again). You've changed my life, don't worry cause it's a good thing. I still don't want this to end (or do I, IDK), I want to talk to you again, and this time I will promise you that I will tell you everything now. Please come back and talk things out...